With so much tragedy in the world, it grieves me to report another catastrophic event has occurred right here in Lilburn at the Publix Super Market at Five Forks Crossing.
On June 8 in the year of our Lord 2024, they were out of Utz Pub Mix.
When the friendly cashier asked “Did you find everything you needed today?” I paused, caught in the limbo of decision. Should I explain to this harried teen that there was no Utz Pub Mix and therefore I cannot return to my home or should I just let it pass? For the sake of simplicity and out of shock and grief, I mumbled, “Yes.”
Otherwise, I would’ve had to explain that an obsession with Utz Pub Mix snacks has recently overtaken my home. Not since we found Dot’s Pretzels at our local Ace Hardware (yes, you read that correctly) a few years back have we been beset with a snack food craving at this current level. It’s Threat Level Crimson around here when we run low. (Editor’s note: Dot’s was bought by Hershey’s in 2021 and is now available at all of your major supermarket chains.)
If you are not familiar with Utz and their vast array of products, I have to say up front, it is not on brand for New South Essays. Based in Hanover, Pa., Utz was founded in 1921 as a potato chip company. Over the years it branched out to include pretzels and other savory snacks, and at some point, it just made sense for them to start mixing their products into one delicious blend they called “Pub Mix.”
Not an expert on global pub cuisine, I can’t speak to the authenticity of Utz’s mix, but I can offer first-hand testimony to the intoxicating effects and the cravings it creates. Carla has fallen hard for the Pub Mix. She prefers savory snacks to sweet snacks, and it’s so cute how she uses the lid to the giant plastic container as her measuring cup and serving dish.
It’s almost as if her doctor has prescribed her “one lid-full of Pub Mix before bed every night, but not a bite more.”
While she loves Utz Pub Mix, she does sift through and remove all of the pretzel sticks. I think this hurts the pretzels’ feelings to be singled out and “othered” in this calloused way. Her ethnic cleansing of her snacks includes storing the pretzels in a separate baggie for me to eat later as a non-mix snack. It’s been well documented that I am the entity in our house that eats the food no one wants, and I find the Utz Pub Mix pretzel sticks pair well with a PBJ made on the heels of the bread loaf.
The Publix Pub Mix Incident (say that five times fast), which this will now forever be known as in my household, also revealed deep trust issues in my marriage. On the 8th when I arrived at the snack aisle with my Notes app grocery list with the clickable radio buttons and saw that there were myriad Utz products but no Pub Mix, I knew I was in trouble. I frantically moved all of the caramel corn, cheese balls and Party Mix containers around to see if there wasn’t a Pub Mix lurking in the back somewhere. Alas, there was no Pub Mix to be found. That’s when I was forced to text Carla to report the outage.
She didn’t believe me. I sent her photographic evidence. She told me to look at the end cap next to the Little Debbie’s. I did. No Pub Mix. I offered to just get a substitute like Chex Mix or Gardetto’s. I was succinctly texted, “No sub” in response.
Sweat appeared on my brow. My heart raced. I was in full-on crisis mode as I was failing at my mission and awaiting further instructions from headquarters. I imagined the delay in communication was caused by a swoon of despair or a fit of rage. After what seemed like hours but was probably only a minute, I finally received word to abort the Pub Mix mission and return to home base.
When I returned home, I cautiously unloaded the groceries and quietly set them on the kitchen counter, careful not to disturb my grieving spouse. But when I peeked into the living room, she seemed fine. In fact, she seemed chipper. I ventured out onto thin ice and mentioned the Utz Pub Mix.
“Sorry about the Pub Mix,” I said as empathetically as I could muster.
“Oh, it’s fine. I ordered it from Amazon.”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the Publix Pub Mix Incident was resolved. In less than 24 hours, an industrial-sized container of Pub Mix showed up at our door. Amazon came to the rescue yet again.
I still don’t regret lying to the Publix cashier, but I have to say, their inventory manager cannot be doing their job. A quick scan of their records will show a spike in Utz Pub Mix sales at the Five Forks Crossing store curiously timed to the onset of Carla’s nightly craving. I’m sure someone up in Hanover is tracking the revenue decline, and this will be rectified soon.
If not, next time I’m checking out at Publix, I may have to just tell the cashier: “No, I did not find everything I was looking for.”
Have you ever had a snack obsession? What is your current favorite? Share your story in the comments and feel the love and support of the online community. It helps to speak your trauma.
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