Better sleep

I have officially reached “I-can’t-sleep-through-the-night-anymore” years-old.

There were no parties with black balloons to mark the occasion. It snuck up on me. I knew it was coming based on the tales of my elders, but I mistakenly thought I had many more years of sound sleep before these restless nights set in.

My chief problem with sleeping is racing thoughts. Unable to shut down my brain, any nighttime disturbance will send me into full-on mental alertness. My thoughts cycle through unfinished items on my work to-do list, hilarious jokes to include in my groundbreaking and trendsetting blog New South Essays (you may have heard of it), choices my children are making, my parents’ and mother-in-law’s health, the proximity of hurricanes to my Central Florida-dwelling parents, volunteer responsibilities, the U.S. economy, political division, the war in Ukraine, the Middle East, and on, and on, and on.

I’ve tried the whole “make a list” thing, and that doesn’t work for me for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that me scribbling on a notepad next to the bed invariably wakes my spouse: “Don’t mind me, honey, I’m just over here writing next week’s New South Essay at 2:47 a.m.”

I also found that while my handwriting has improved markedly since leaving journalism as a profession, I don’t have the best penmanship in the dark: “Oh, good, I’m super glad I left myself a reminder last night to ‘Junkle the frangly’ today.”

Just create a “Note” on your phone? Same issue as above with the sleeping spouse. If I happen to check the time or so much as breathe in the direction of my phone, it lights up my bedroom like the Bat signal. I might as well turn on the “Big Light.” I’ve suddenly got a full-on Hollywood premier with spotlights emanating from my bedside table, minus the red carpet and Melissa Rivers shouting “Who are you wearing?”

No, we are not about to make notes in the middle of the night.

They are myriad other strategies I’ve tried since the onset of old man sleep: just get up, read a book, read a boring book, watch TV, watch boring TV, listen to podcasts, listen to boring podcasts (no such thing!), listen to soothing music, start my day and work (Incidentally, if you accidentally hit “send” on an email before 5 a.m. your colleagues will stage an intervention), have a snack, drink warm milk, move to the couch or guest room, etc.

I have not and will not take any form of medicine designed to help me sleep, so don’t even suggest it. If I have to break down and take medication, it will be to stave off imminent death or I will be in my 90s and have stopped worrying about long term side effects.

In the spirit of service journalism, I’m here to report on a recent discovery that has proven effective for my sleep issues and might very well help you.

Are you tired of not being able to sleep through the night? Are you tired of waking up feeling unrefreshed, desperate for caffeine to sustain you through your day? Are you tired of being tired? Do you want to have a full night’s sleep uninterrupted by racing and intrusive thoughts?

Are you ready? Are you sure? 

Once you know this, you can never un-know it.

I promise you, it will change your life.

Ok, here it goes: The “Holy Grail” of sleep aids: sharing your feelings.

On the verge of scheduling a sleep study, I decided to listen to my wife. Turns out, Carla was right.

Here, let me say that again to bring my wife immense and infinite joy: CARLA WAS RIGHT.

Recently, when I was yet again reporting on my nocturnal mental gymnastics, she had the audacity to suggest it was my brain’s way of processing everything I was repressing. If I just shared my feelings, it would release those thoughts and my mind could rest.

Ridiculous, right? What is this, Oprah? 

First, I would have to acknowledge I have feelings. Second, I would have to share them. And guess who just so happened to be nearby, eager for me to share those feelings? Yes, the aforementioned Carla.

After 27 and a half years of marriage, she opportunistically seized on my sleep disorder to get me to voluntarily share my innermost feelings. In desperation and at her insistence, I shared my top three worries at the moment. I didn’t feel instant relief. In fact, I didn’t give it a second thought for the rest of the day. But wouldn’t you know it, that night I slept like a baby.

The next night after we watched some TV and before I took Winston out for his final excursion before bedtime, she encouraged me to share again. Motivated by the previous day’s results, I gave her my top three worries. Boom! Another full seven hours of peaceful baby sleeps.

This has been going on for several weeks now, and it has gotten me through a couple of hurricanes, busy work weeks, challenges each of my children are facing and more. I really think I’ve stumbled onto a miracle cure (and by “stumbled” I mean finally listened to my wife after 27 and a half years).

I know, I know, this is an alteration of my fundamental personhood, a dismantling of my self-identification as a robot and someone who hasn’t had an emotion he can’t just avoid by doing work and staying busy. But to strain the computer analogy, my hard drive was never caching because it was always whirring, processing and beeping. Not only was the fan about to go out, it felt like my motherboard was about to shut down.

So if you, like me, have had trouble sleeping, give sharing your feelings a try. It won’t kill you, but it does have serious side effects: Your partner will feel closer to you and you will have a tighter bond with the person with whom you share your feelings.

And in my case, at least, you will have to admit your spouse was right.