My Darling Beloved forbids me from ascending a ladder. Stepstools are borderline. Climbing on anything not built with the intention of helping you reach high places is an absolute no-no. She would much rather pay someone to go on the roof and clean the gutters than have me attempt such a life-threatening maneuver. I have … Continue reading Free falling
You can tell a lot about people by what you find lying around in their home. As was well documented in last week’s installment on lighting, (if you did not read that hilarious post, do yourself a favor and go back and do so now before proceeding. It’s OK, we’ll wait…) the gradual influx of … Continue reading Books, lip balm, reading glasses and toothpicks
What does your house smell like? Ours is a mixture of coffee, a hint of mildew wafting up from the basement (the dehumidifier is on the fritz), fabric softener, and bergamot. You heard me. Bergamot. You know bergamot, right? I didn’t think so. You see, here in the New South we have new smells filling … Continue reading Living in the Nose South
Children are prone to hyperbole. I understand this. Overstated pronouncements barely even move the needle on my parental reaction seismograph. But last weekend I encountered a new psychological phenomenon that both amused and confounded me. Let me paint the picture for you: Every year on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, our family goes to breakfast and … Continue reading Ruining Christmas
As temperatures down South dip into the 40s and 50s, tasteful seasonal decorating requires at least one nice gourd on the front porch. Some of you have been so eager for fall temperatures that you ran out and bought a pumpkin when they first arrived in stores or when the pumpkin patches first opened in … Continue reading Get thee to a pumpkin patch
“How about this one?” I held the 6-and-a-half foot Frasier Fir at arm’s length, shaking it vigorously so the branches would fall into a more natural position. “Nope. Too skinny,” my wife said, frowning and shaking her head. “You keep rejecting these trees because they’re too skinny. I’m starting to get a complex,” I said … Continue reading O Christmas tree
The only two homes I have owned – or, more accurately, been on my way to owning – have had a fireplace. And with the fireplace comes the obligatory mantel. I will explore the wisdom and necessity of setting wood ablaze inside your home in a different essay, but today I am concerned more about the … Continue reading Center of attention
New South Essays 