Carla and I have recently unlocked the key to marital communication – The Instagram Reel.
With apologies to Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” we have discovered that sending each other Instagram Reels has become our love language. Maybe it’s the sixth one.
It’s an exaggeration to say it has saved our marriage, but it certainly has helped us say things to each other that have been neglected or unsaid. Reels, and they’re close cousin, the meme, have also brought laughter back into our relationship. At least, the kind of genuine laughter and not the kind we evoke because it keeps us from crying about all of the stress we experience just trying to parent teenagers.
What is an Instagram Reel you ask? Well, if you know, you know. If you don’t know, start by getting you one of those newfangled telephones and download the Instagram app. It’s the social media platform the kids used to use to send each other photos of their mac n’ cheese. Now it’s all about pumpkin spice. But I digress.
One of the types of posts on Instagram is a “Reel,” a short video with all kinds of special effects and text and music and customizations. A Reel has no intrinsic value. It’s the content that counts. Instagram also serves up its share of static images that are technically not Reels but still have some power in the relationship communication dimension. Reels are moving pictures. Memes are still. They are different, but sometimes a meme can be just as effective as a Reel.
Again, it’s all about the content. Although Reels have been around since 2020 as a way for Instagram to compete with short-form video platforms like Snapchat and TikTok, it has only recently come to my attention as a life-giving medium for marital bonding.
Reels can involve original video recordings or it can be a clip from a TV show or movie or other form of video entertainment. The best ones take clips out of context and then apply them to situations ironically.
How exactly does this save your marriage? Stand back and prepare to be amazed.
Let’s say I have been a bobohead (a special kind of insensitive stupidhead, coined by my friend and colleague, Heather). I need to apologize to Carla, but I’m just having a hard time getting out of my own way. I’m defensive and I’ve really blown it. If I open my mouth only dumb things come out that make the situation worse. The solution is to direct message her something funny I saw on Instagram. Something like this would work nicely:
This way, I can admit my fault without making it worse. She will laugh knowingly when she sees it, and when I get the “heart” or “thumbs up” response, I know it’s safe to re-enter her space and offer a verbal “I’m sorry.” Then we can resume our lives.
Or, say there’s a pet peeve of yours that you know you’d be risking life and limb to bring up to your spouse. Nothing gets the conversation started safely better than a Reel. Like this…
Best case scenario? She will laugh, send a “thumbs up” and say to you, “Yes, honey, I do do that.” Worst case scenario? No laughter. Sneering. Defensiveness. You could hear: “I don’t do that!” or “I have to do that because you always ignore me!” But give it some time. Your partner will soften and eventually laugh about the previously tense situation.
Without the Reel, you may have to wait weeks for a thaw. Send a little direct message, and you’re back on your way to unobstructed conversations about picking up the kids from practice, parent-teacher meetings and scheduling doctors’ appointments in no time.
When I stumble onto one that captures the feeling of the moment perfectly, I know if I share it with Carla, she will cackle with laughter in a way that used to be reserved for my clever witticisms. I haven’t made her laugh out loud since 1998, until I found Reels like this:
It’s true, and if it weren’t on Instagram, it would probably make us sad. But because social media served it to us, it’s hilarious.
Like all social media platforms, Instagram continuously tweaks its algorithm to serve you more of the content you like. Some time this summer I noticed it started serving more Reels from accounts I do not follow but that Instagram suspected I would like. Well, guess what, Instagram, you win. I need a lot of Reels with Dad jokes, husband humor and ready-made apologies, and you deliver.
As much as I like to complain about algorithms running everything in our lives these days, I don’t hate what Instagram has done. It did, after all, bring me Landon, the greatest source of joy in my life in this season of busyness.
I hope this has been educational. If you struggle connecting with a spouse, child or other loved one, I suggest you get on Instagram and start direct messaging them Reels and memes. It could save your relationship.
Or end it.
New South Essays 