The Official Wallace Family Christmas Letter 2023: Clickbait Edition

Last year I decided to revive the tradition of sending a family Christmas letter. I used the internet sensation that is New South Essays rather than putting ink on paper, and it went viral!

Well, not exactly pandemic viral, but literally dozens of people were interested enough in our family’s doin’s to click on the post and read all of our accomplishments for the previous year. If you missed it, you can catch up on the Wallace Year in Review 2022 now.

Not to get too technical, but last year’s Official Wallace Family Christmas Letter had sub-optimal web traffic. So to improve performance and generate buzz for 2024, I’ve concocted a sure-fire public relations strategy designed to make the Wallaces a household name that could lead to our own Keeping Up with the Kardashians-esque reality show (“This week, Lance gets up even earlier on Saturday to write mediocre blog posts before taking his walk in the neighborhood on an all new, special episode…”) 

So with that intro and confession that I am motivated by clicks rather than a sincere desire to connect with friends and family, I not-so-humbly offer “The Official Wallace Family Christmas Letter 2023: Clickbait Edition:”

Carla and Lance decide to separate…

… their laundry each weekend (see what I did there?) rather than attempt to keep up with chores during busy weeks full of working at Oglethorpe University, chauffeuring Carlton and friends to the Gwinnett School of the Arts at Central Gwinnett High School in Lawrenceville and serving as a patient advocate and constant appointment companion to the sweetest Mama and Mama-in-law on the planet.

We are still very much in love after 26 years of marital bliss, and our lives are full despite having just one child at home on a full-time basis. This summer I was given interim responsibilities for fundraising and alumni relations at Oglethorpe in addition to serving as vice president of marketing and communications, and that has kept me extremely busy this fall. It’s a privilege to represent Oglethorpe, connect with alumni and hear their stories of what makes Oglethorpe special. And I’m having a blast being Petey’s publicist.

Carla wrapped up a two-year term as vice chair of deacons at our church, Parkway Baptist in John’s Creek, and continues to make our home beautiful and help our lives run efficiently. She is the glue holding all of it together, especially for her mom and our remaining child at home who has a 20-minute daily commute now to high school. There’s very little affirmation for her work, but Carla does everything with excellence whether in the workforce or in the home.

Academics force Barron to return for another year of college

Because he transferred into a three-year program at the University of Georgia from Kennesaw, Barron ended up on the five-year plan. He has performed very well academically and will graduate in May 2024. Meanwhile, he had another fun season playing in the Redcoat marching band. To date, in his collegiate marching band career, he has seen Georgia lose only twice – both times to the same opponent (who shall not be named) – and seen the Dawgs win two national championships.

This year he also secured a great internship on campus in the Office of Architecture and Space Planning which led to a part-time job once school started this fall. As he approaches his final semester of college, the job search begins in earnest. He will graduate with a degree in furnishings and interiors and a minor in historic preservation. If you know someone hiring in this field, let him know.

Harris caught using AI for grad speech

It has been a year full of big moments for Harris, but none were bigger than being one of Parkview High School’s graduation speakers back in May. Objectively, he gave a great speech playing off the contemporary theme of ChatGPT generating a speech and how the human experience will distinguish the class of 2023 in the future, not the output of machines.

He concluded his high school career with a top attorney award in his final Mock Trial competition, a regional matchup at UGA’s Law School, and he earned a Jesse Mercer Scholarship to attend Mercer University where he is flourishing. He is in the First Year Honors Program and is majoring in Philosophy, Politics, and Economics. He works on campus in Mercer’s Center for Career and Professional Development as a student assistant.

This is technically his second job. He interned in Gwinnett County Juvenile Court in the chambers of Judge Robert Waller this summer through the Atlanta Bar Association’s Summer Law Internship Program. He was honored with one of the top intern awards for his work in the highly competitive program.

Carlton’s stage career takes a turn with major new development

Carlton successfully interviewed and auditioned for the theatre conservatory at Gwinnett County’s School of the Arts (SOTA) at Central Gwinnett High School in Lawrenceville. His high school experience will be vastly different than his brothers who both did marching band at Parkview High School.

He’s already performed in the ensemble in three shows at SOTA: a summer abridged production of “Mamma Mia,” “Head Over Heals” one act, and a musical revue “A Love Letter to the Golden Age.” None of it would have been possible without the training and opportunities he’s received at Smoke Rise Academy of Arts where he performed in three major shows this past year, beginning with the role of Professor Ray in the worldwide new work premier of “Finding Nemo Jr.” at the Junior Theatre Festival in front of a crowd of more than 6,000.

He tackled several supporting roles in Smoke Rise’s teen production of “The Sound of Music” in the spring, but his favorite role was portraying the villainous Agatha Trunchbull in the middle grades production of “Matilda” at Smoke Rise. He brought the house down with his rendition of “If You Want to Throw the Hammer” and “Smell of Rebellion.” He was truly awful in the best way possible.

He rounded out his year at Smoke Rise with a turn as Piangi in “The Phantom of the Opera.” He fully embodied the role as the opera’s high strung and self-aggrandizing tenor sporting no fewer than five costume changes. And by the time (spoiler alert) he was murdered by the phantom in the final act, he and his beloved soprano Carlotta (Amanda Riedel) had plenty of stage time to make their mark in supporting roles.

I can’t wait to see what Carlton does next.

Winston takes human form…

… in filling the growing vacuum of people in the Wallace home. He’s still a miniature poodle, but he is stepping up in a big way with the departure of Harris for college. He’s taken it upon himself to join us at the dinner table, despite getting no food for his efforts, and provides unconditional love and consolation to all of us after particularly difficult days.

He still loves Honey Nut Cheerios and naps.

That’s it. That’s all the scintillating gossip from the Wallaces in 2023. Now wasn’t that clickbait more satisfying than most?

Tell the truth: if we did a reality show, you would watch, wouldn’t you? I mean if people watch a channel devoted to a yule log perpetually burning in a fireplace, we could get at least a .3 share in the Nielsen ratings. 

I hope you and yours have had a great year and are enjoying a fun and meaningful holiday season. I look forward to bringing you more thrilling content each week at New South Essays in 2024.