Letting them figure it out

Parenting today involves a lot of heavy equipment, evidently.

From “helicopter parenting” to “lawnmower parenting” and even “bulldozer parenting,” much has been made on social media, in the press and scholarly journals on the impact on a person’s psychology when parents are too involved in their children’s lives and deny them the opportunity to overcome obstacles on their own.

I have been guilty of all of those bad parenting practices at one point or another in raising three boys, now ages 23, 19 and 15. How and when to intervene in our children’s lives is one of the top three topics of conversation with my wife after “How was your day?” (always “great!”) and “Are you OK with leftovers?” (I’m never not OK with leftovers.) Seriously, we talk about it more than we discuss the weather, and Carla is always reading some book on how to combat these tendencies.

Cognitively we know we have raised/are raising self-reliant and resourceful children. One of the most encouraging conversations I’ve had with my oldest in recent years was when we confessed all the disasters that befell him at Boy Scout camp that he never told us about. The conclusion? He just figured it out, it was all OK and now he has hilarious stories.

Three recent examples point to our level of progress as parents. I’d say the results are mixed. We’re at a B, B+ maybe.

Let’s start with our youngest, Carlton… for no reason. 

To his credit, he is getting better at taking care of his business now that he’s reached his sophomore year of high school and is nearly 16. And it’s not a moment too soon, what with driving on his own on the very near horizon. But… Carlton can be a tad forgetful when he is distracted.

This manifested at his school’s recent homecoming. For, let’s just say, “reasons,” he elected not to bring his wallet to the festivities. Taking your wallet everywhere you go is a level of adulting we’re still working to attain.

He was going to dinner with friends after the dance, and a method of payment is typically required for such experiences when not with your own parents who pay for everything all the time. But on the way to drop him off, we discovered that he did not have his method of payment on his person.

So knowing I was committing one of the most foolish acts of my lifetime, I handed Carlton my credit card and said, “Don’t lose it.” We dropped him off outside the gym, and as we drove away waving goodbye, I saw my credit card in the car door handle. He had managed to lose my credit card before he even had a chance to lose it.

At that moment, I chose to trust. I got out and walked back around the school and handed him the card. I was convinced he was sufficiently embarrassed not to lose the card again.

Guess what? It worked. He did not lose the credit card.

However, while he was on his way to the restaurant with his friends, he texted to let us know he left the coat to his brand new suit on the railing outside of the gym.

Rather than berate or get angry, I took a deep breath and decided to head to the school first before going to the restaurant to pick him up. I know when he’s having a good time, he gets distracted. And, he hadn’t lost my credit card, so bonus points for that. I mean I told him not to lose the credit card. I didn’t say anything about the literal clothes on his back.

When I pulled up to the empty school, there was the suit coat right where we said it would be. Success! Or, if I was following the path of not being a lawnmower parent… FAIL!

I should have left the coat and let him figure out how we would retrieve it. I probably would have handled this one better if I had not already been on my way to pick him up. The slight detour was not that much of an inconvenience. And I was more focused on the credit card.

Scenario No. 2 involving son No. 2: Recently Carla and I were driving back home from checking on her mother, and Carla said, “You know, I just don’t worry about Harris. He has his act together.” Mere minutes later we received a text message from the aforementioned Harris letting us know he had locked his keys in his car.

First, with all of the fobbery happening with car keys these days, I don’t even know how this is possible. Second, we had been thinking how great it was that he was in Athens taking in a Georgia game with his brother. Parents love it when their adult children choose to spend time together.

But typical Harris, he had loaded up his schedule for the day. He had to get from Athens back to Macon to make it to dinner and “A Chorus Line” with his girlfriend, Anna. I’m sure he had a lot on his mind when he somehow outsmarted his vehicles’ security system.

To his credit, he solved this little dilemma all on his own and made it to dinner and the show on time. He used his phone to look up a locksmith who charged him a surprisingly reasonable rate and sent him on his way pretty quickly. So I guess Carla was correct. We don’t need to worry about Harris. Even when he has his moments, he can figure it out.

Last and certainly not least is our oldest who is out in the real world making big time, real world decisions every day. Out of college and gainfully employed, he has an interest in houses, decor, old stuff, fixing stuff, and collecting old junk furniture to fix up. All of these came together recently when he purchased a house.

Other than a few consults with Carla on details like insurance and inspections and what not, he handled the process on his own – working with a real estate agent, negotiating the price and signing millions of papers, all the things. He’s now enjoying coming up with plans on how to fix the place up, and it is taking everything Carla has to not become overly involved in Barron’s projects.

Barron has suggested that maybe she buy her own investment property to exercise that creative muscle. My typical prepared statement for situations such as this is, “The lessons we remember best are the ones that cause us the most pain or cost us the most money.” He will need to make some mistakes with this house in order to grow.

So there you have it. We still have room to grow ourselves, and don’t hear me judging involved parents. I am guilty of flying helicopters, operating a lawnmower or driving a bulldozer all the time.

I’m just grateful for our boys and hope they know that we’re doing our best.