The Official Wallace Family Christmas Letter 2024

Dear Faithful Readers and Adoring Fans (all three of you),

Because of the overwhelming demand for more insider gossip from the first family of New South Essays, I am once again releasing the official Wallace family Christmas letter through this wildly popular platform. Last year’s clickbait edition generated so much traffic that it’s clear our online fanbase prefers scintillating and scandalous lies to the boring truth.

However, “boring truth” is my personal brand, so I’m forsaking glamour and hyperbole this year and offering a straightforward, authentic representation of our life in 2024. In a related note, this year’s letter is sponsored by No Doz, the caffeinated medication designed to fight off drowsiness and keep you alert.

Here goes nothing:

Lance and Carla celebrated 27 years of marriage in May, and nothing substantial happened to either of them all year. Lance is still vice president of marketing and communications at Oglethorpe University, and Carla is still managing the home, running carpool for Carlton and taking care of her mom. Lance and Carla are growing old together just like they promised. 

Mama had some ups and downs healthwise this year, but she’s still kicking. Mom and Dad survived Hurricane Milton’s rumble through Lake Wales, Florida. Mom is considerably better after being hospitalized mid-summer. Dad continues to pursue projects and avoids getting on ladders… mostly.

As of this writing, everyone is doing well, though Mom and Dad are preparing for an onslaught of back-to-back visits from the Lilburn Wallaces followed by the Forney Wallaces. (No, Lilburn and Forney are not long lost cousins you have never heard of. That’s where Lance and Lyle reside… Lilburn, Georgia, and Forney, Texas, respectively. FYI, the third Wallace brother, Lee, would be a member of the Arlington Wallaces.)

Lance and Carla snuck away to Nashville, Tennessee, in March while Carlton was on a field trip to NYC, enjoyed their annual vacation to Santa Rosa Beach, Florida, in early July, caught a few days with the boys on Lake Oconee in late July and returned to the Big Apple for some Broadway shows with birthday boy Carlton during Fall Break in October. 

The oldest boy, Barron, now 23, graduated from the University of Georgia in May with a degree in furnishings and interiors. He’s now working for the university in the Office of University Architects, and enjoying full-time, gainful employment. He bought a house in Athens this fall and is overhauling it. He and his Emory grad-student sweetie, Meg Rooney, have been together more than three years, and Meg’s new Golden Doodle, Bonnie, has won over the entire family… except for Winston who wishes not to be bothered.

The middle one, Harris, age 19, took Mercer by storm as a freshman competing in Mock Trial, working in the Center for Career and Professional Development, studying abroad in the Republic of Georgia this summer and winning the Spright Dowell Award, presented annually to the first-year student who has demonstrated exceptional scholarship, leadership, and service. He is seeing Ms. Anna Hale of Aiken, South Carolina, and learned important life lessons this fall about sudden vehicular maintenance needs.

The baby, Carlton, turned 16 in October, as stated previously, and is closing in on the milestone of earning his driver’s license. A sophomore in the theatre conservatory at the School of the Arts at Central Gwinnett High School, he had a full year of performing: Gangster No. 2 in “Kiss Me Kate,” Uncle Fester in “The Addams Family,” and Aldolpho, the king of romance, in “The Drowsy Chaperone.” In addition to voice lessons he added tap dancing lessons to his artistic portfolio, but he lives to get big laughs in comedic roles.

Winston has enjoyed good health but recently has felt a little too empowered to assert his desire for snacks other than his approved Honey Nut Cheerios. He is a vigilant guardian of Carlton, and do not doubt you will get bit if you approach while Carlton slumbers… hypothetically. He is very much loved, and is as fluffy as ever.

Congratulations! You made it to the end, no matter how many micro-sleeps befell you during your reading. Part of what’s made this such a great year is all the fun we’ve had together on New South Essays. Thanks for reading, and be sure to check in each week to see what other magical adventures we get up to here in the New South.