Group texts are the new social media

As the New South’s most beloved humorist, I am highly sought after as a member of group chats.

My contributions are hilarious and always result in a “HaHa” symbol from the other members of the group. That’s how I know I am hilarious. Why else would someone respond with the “HaHa” symbol? 

Ok, so maybe I post a lot of “thumbs up” emojis and dad jokes, but there’s just so much texting happening in the world that it can be really hard to come up with something pithy (no, I don’t have a lisp) and humorous and insightful every time someone you are in a group text with provides you an update on their life.

And before you go getting all paranoid about texts you have sent or your contributions to text groups you belong to, please know that I am the worst offender. I used to subject my friends and family members to play-by-play of the Parkview High School football games when my boys were in the marching band. I got so good at it that my oldest suggested I become a journalist. (I hope he was joking, seeing as how I spent more than 10 years working in newspapers and consider myself a professional communicator.)

I have been contemplating group text threads for a while now but felt inspired to tackle the topic this week because the hosts of one of my favorite podcasts, the often cited New South Essays- endorsed Nateland, discussed their group texts in a recent episode. I can only imagine how enjoyable a group chat would be with professional comedians.

The truth is group texting has replaced social media for many people. The recognition of the trend away from social media toward texting as a way of keeping in touch has been around for several years. Such varied media entities as NPR, NYT, The Atlantic, NSS Magazine and about a million blogs have all written covered the trend since 2023.

Social media has become such a cacophony of ads, misinformation and political debates, that it’s just not worth the trouble anymore. Yes, we all still have our accounts which we exclusively use for doom scrolling, but we don’t engage on the platforms like we used to. Think about it, when was the last time you took a picture of your crummy sandwich and posted it with some witticism like “Sandwiching in some quick lunch between meetings…” (What? You say you never did that? Oh, well someone did. Maybe it was me.)

The algorithms run the social media platforms. They change constantly and are impossible to hack. The only way to consistently show up in people’s feeds is to pay for it. And then, you’re showing up in feeds of people who expressly do not want to hear from you.

Group texts haven’t been invaded by ads at scale as of yet, though fundraisers for children’s schools and extracurricular activities have certainly infiltrated private texting domains. But for now, you can carry on a conversation about shoes without being served up unsolicited ads about shoes. Or, even creepier, if you casually mention an actor’s name from a Broadway show you saw recently your group chat won’t serve you up unbidden, endless short-form video content of this actor in a variety of roles (Yes, this really happened in our household.)

Group chats feel more private, and you can repel invaders. But remember this, kids, nothing you put into your telephone is private. Anyone can access it if they take a subpoena to your mobile phone carrier. And your friends can – and will – screen grab anything salacious you send to the chat and keep it for future blackmail purposes.

Texting is a more invasive communication channel. Heaven help you if you are in a group text with people who do not observe the same sleeping hours as you. I am related to some people who still haven’t figured out that after 982 years, I am in bed and asleep every night by 10:30 p.m. These same relations are quick to point out that I can “silence” notifications, which is true, I could. If they would show me how. I resist the urge to reply to their late night messages when I get up at 5 a.m.

It also feels rude to pull out of a group text altogether. It’s like when someone leaves church before it’s over. Everyone is suddenly contemplating what possibly could have made them mad or “get under conviction.” I am happy to report I currently do not belong to any group chats that do not bring me life-giving joy. (This is not an invitation to change that.)

Group texts also increase your distraction quotient exponentially (I don’t know if that checks out mathematically, but you get the point.) It can be a lot of pressure to keep up, and sometimes, you have to put the phone down. If I had an assistant, human or computer, I would task them with maintaining my participation in text threads algorithmically in keeping with my branded sense of humor and keen insights.

In fact, you could break down my participation in my current group texts into several personas:  There’s AI Lance, which is a little awkward and inserts tangential facts at odd times; PR Lance which is overly formal and sounds like an organization’s statement to the media; Dad Joke Dad, which has high pun content; Cringy Dad, which mis-quotes pop songs and mis-names popular TV shows, movies, celebrities and friends and asks irritating questions about relationships, whereabouts and schoolwork; and the rarest of them all, the sincere and emotionally available normal human person, which is no fun but sometimes required to stay married.

I encourage you to look at your phone (not now, after you finish reading New South Essays!) and count how many group texts you are in. It’s probably more than you’d like, but if you have children involved in stuff, you don’t have a choice.

Look at which ones give you joy and “favorite” them (find a teenager to show you how to do this… I did.) Then give the group a clever image and name (but choose carefully because if you ever try to rename it you will lose it forever.)

In the future, just looking at your chats will give you a little chuckle, even without reading the content. And really, who couldn’t use a little chuckle right about now… amirite? HaHa? LOL? ROTFL? 😆