Cousins

Remember when your cousins were your playmates, always close at hand or at least only a short drive away?

In the New South, families are scattered across the country and even the world. It’s more likely you have cousins you have never met than cousins you see on the regular.

I never lived in the same town as my cousins growing up, but we did have occasions to be together on holidays or vacations, and recent events have them on my mind.

My uncle, Neal Ruth, passed away July 2 after a battle with liver disease. He was the husband of my dad’s youngest sister, Linda. Though they lived just across the top end of Atlanta’s perimeter interstate from us, we rarely had the opportunity to see them and their two adult children, my cousins Nicholas and Brittany, and their kids.

This sad occasion brought us together for a meal and reminiscence. We missed being with family when my dad’s brother, Calvin Wesley Wallace Sr., passed away on February 5 of last year. Seeing my cousins Calvin Jr. and Mark at Uncle Neal’s funeral only made that missed opportunity feel more acutely painful.

We were able to be there when their mom, my Aunt Shirley, passed away in March of 2016. It would be the last time I saw my cousin Jeannie, Calvin’s and Mark’s sister. She was living in California when she tragically passed away in February of 2019 from colon cancer at age 40. I wish I had known her better.

The main relationship I have in common with these cousins are my paternal grandparents, Addie and Ernest Wallace. As we laughed around the table and told stories after Uncle Neal’s funeral, I could hear and see glimpses of my Granny and Paw Paw. My aunts, Linda and Phyllis, were there to fill in the gaps that we might have misremembered or forgotten because we were too young at the time. It was sweet. Maybe even a little healing.

I have maternal cousins on the other side of the country I haven’t seen since 2004. The children of my mom’s sister, Wanda, and her ex-husband, Hugh, live in the Seattle, Washington, area. Geography has conspired to keep us apart most of our lives. I remember fondly a trip we made with my mom and Maw Maw when I was pre-teen. Eric, Erian, Elyse and Evette were all older than us and spoiled us rotten.

They used to especially dote on me when I was little. As adults they confessed that they resented the special attention I received when I was the newest grandchild… a little prince, privileged and pampered. That resentment didn’t carry over to 2004 when I spent time with them while in Seattle on a work trip. They even fussed at my Uncle Hugh for “hogging their cousin.”

Eric works most of the year in Alaska. Erian spent time in China and now lives in Chicago. Elyse and Evette are in Seattle leading busy lives. I don’t know how we’ll get together, and it makes me sad to contemplate.

Spending time with my dad’s side provided a small taste of what could have been had we lived closer to each other. I’ve seen firsthand what a closer relationship with cousins would look like with Carla and her cousins. An only child, Carla’s cousins functioned as siblings. Amy, Emily and Jason were often her playmates, and it was always a special occasion when her cousins Johnny and Sherri or her cousin Ann came to Sandersville for a visit.

I know, I know, we have social media to keep in touch nowadays, but honestly, that’s not very satisfying. It was fun back in 2008-2010 when we all had active accounts, first found each other, “friended” each other, commented on our life events and kept in touch. But a relationship with your cousins via Facebook is less than satisfying.

My own children have even fewer opportunities to see cousins who all live in Texas. They are growing up not really knowing each other and already beginning to disperse. 

After Uncle Neal’s services, my dad’s side of the family drew comfort from one another. We hugged. We told stories. We laughed. We each displayed our Wallaceness uniquely but with a thread of familiar mannerisms and traits.

We committed to getting together again before another beloved member of our family passes away. Life has a habit of getting in the way, but I’m hopeful. Maybe I’ll be able to see my cousins again soon and get to know them as adults.

In the meantime, rest in peace Uncle Neal.