This weekend we are celebrating my Darling Beloved’s birthday, a few days removed from the actual anniversary of her birth.
It will include time with her mama, her children and their significant others, a celebratory dinner out, and the always fun Cirque du Soleil. And I’m here to say that she is worth all of that and more.
One of our family’s traditions on birthdays is to go around the table and share what we appreciate about the person. In the parlance of Gary Chapman, Carla’s love language is words of affirmation, so this ritual always helps to fill her “love tank” (again, one of Chapman’s concepts).
This simple exercise has a profound impact on our family. Not only does the birthday boy or girl feel truly seen and appreciated, all of those celebrating are allowed a moment to speak and express gratitude. Yes, it can devolve into silliness at times, but the love and affection underlying the words always hit home.
I have in the past used this space to express my appreciation for Carla, especially at this time of year. I did it here and here and here and here and here. And there was even a time when she took over New South Essays to try to get through to me. Let’s just say that New South Essays is not only an influential web log, it’s a form of therapy that enhances our marital communication.
Which brings us to today’s appreciation.
By the way, (slight digression) isn’t it OK to keep appreciating new things about your Darling Beloved? I am allowed to notice and express gratitude for new dimensions of her personality and abilities, right? This is a thing? Ok, good. Just checking.
Recently I have been feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. My pre-programmed response is to work harder and work more to avoid feelings. Carla knows this about me and has made multiple attempts over the years to get me to break out of this cycle, only to have it repeat every so often. Her frustration is palpable… and valid.
Still, when she makes yet another attempt, her concern for me can feel like an attack. She, of course, doesn’t mean for it to. It’s not how she is saying it. It’s how I am hearing it. So imagine my utter dismay when a few weeks back I relayed this relational challenge to my therapist only to have him say the most profound statement on our relationship that I can’t stop thinking about:
“It sounds to me like what she’s asking of you is actually good for you.”
You see what he did there? So clever with his prepositions. Even at the syntactical construction level I can appreciate the statement.
This is what I am appreciating about Carla as we celebrate her birthday this year. She’s never been shy about sharing her feelings, so when she tells me things – things that should be obvious to me, things I need to not only hear but understand and act on, things that would make my life better – I should listen.
Carla is right.
There. I said it.
And I’ll say it again: Carla is right.
She knows me and wants what’s best for me even when I’m incapable of seeing it for myself. What’s so amazing is that she has this wisdom about more than just me. She has raised/is raising three boys who are SO different that a one-size-fits-all approach could not possibly accomplish the task.
She is caring for her mama in a way that is loving and at the same time seeking that all-important self-protecting boundary that allows her to be her best self with her mama every day.
She is the kind of friend that offers clarity because she can separate her emotional response to her rational one and offer a neutral assessment.
She is the kind of partner that does the hard work of nurturing, comforting, planning, seeing options and finding solutions all while putting up with my shenanigous behavior.
Like I said. Amazing.
We recently had an opportunity to have a date night, which was really forced upon us because we had to wait out Carlton’s participation at a friend’s birthday party. Carla wished aloud for our boys to find their passions and true fulfillment. She then wished she could find her passion and true fulfillment.
I reminded her that she did know her passion, she just chose another path. I also said it’s not too late to return to that passion and write a new chapter in her life not based on her resume, academic degree or even experience. It’s never too late to do something new that you end up loving.
That’s my birthday wish for Carla this year: I wish that she would be able to devote her time to what gives her life and energy. I also wish that when your family expresses their appreciation for all of the qualities that make her special, she can hear it, receive it and know that she is loved.
Happy birthday, Carla. That part up there where I said you were right? That’s your real birthday present.
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