A whopping 14 years ago, I wrote one of the statistically most-read posts of my blogging career about Valentine’s Day.
Apparently I struck a nerve with couples who were more… ahem… mature in their relationship.
If you need the “TL;DR” summary, here goes: Don’t waste money on flowers, chocolates or stuffed animals. Give your special someone space, make their life easier and let them pick what they want to watch on the TV.
There, you’re all caught up now.
It’s past time I revisit the idea because, well, life has changed in the intervening years.
Somewhere along the way, we shifted from making the day about forced romance, which married couples of a certain age know is laughable, to a celebration of the love we share as a family. Besides, society has been conditioned by the Holiday Industrial Complex to understand that the real sexy holiday is Halloween for some reason and that Valentine’s main vibe is… red. But I digress…
My Darling Beloved is on record that her two favorite holidays are Mother’s Day and her birthday because she receives the royal treatment on those days and doesn’t have to lift a finger. She’s always been ambivalent about Valentine’s Day, and if she even catches a whiff of something artificially romantical, she will shut that down quicker than a robo call to your cell phone.
At one point probably 10 years ago now (everything feels like two years ago in my mind these days,) my Darling Beloved started planning and preparing elaborate candlelight dinners for the family on Valentine’s Day. Rather than expect to be wooed and pampered, she leaned into the effort and used the occasion to show her family how much she loves us.
It’s such a special and overwhelming display that we inevitably shower her with the affirmation she genuinely appreciates, and we avoid the whole restaurant chaos and flowers and balloons price gouging. Win-win.
As long as someone else, such as me, does the dishes, she has learned that she really enjoys preparing a Valentine’s Day feast for her family. And who are we to deprive her of that joy?
In recent years she has found that setting a beautiful table with flowers she arranged, appropriate placemats she picked out and lighting candles that set the right mood provides an outlet for her decorating skills and creativity. She pulls out the good china and accents it with the fancy napkins, napkin holders, silver and crystal. If it were left to me, I’d be pulling out red Solo cups because everyone knows Valentine’s Day is red.
Our boys are leaving the nest one-by-one and developing their own traditions with their own Darling Beloveds. There will only be three of us at this year’s St. Valentine’s Dinner, but until we’re down to just the two of us, I can see this tradition continuing.
I’ve finally understood the greatest contribution I can make to the experience is mood. Specifically, I can be in a good one. I have learned after 30 years together, my Darling Beloved does not appreciate Grouchy McGroucherson at the dinner table. She prefers Smiley McSmilerson or even Witty McWitterson. Since we don’t know those people, Lance Wallace will have to do.
In addition to showing up in a good mood and being generally grateful, I improve the experience by bringing my conversational “A” game. Lately we’ve taken to adopting a question or a prompt for special occasions. For example, at Thanksgiving, we do the traditional “What are you thankful for this year?” response around the table. On birthdays, we make everyone (including guests who awkwardly have to come up with an answer) say what they appreciate about the person we are celebrating.
Don’t tell anyone, but I have arranged a special conversation starter for us tonight that may develop into an annual tradition of its own: “What makes you feel loved?” Not only will it keep the conversation flowing and allow my Darling Beloved to be nosy (she do be nosy), it will help us know each other and treat each other the way we want to be treated.
See what I did there? I turned this educational. The most Dad move ever. That’s how I’d much rather spend my Valentine’s anyway – reaching new levels of understanding of the people in my life whom I love.
If I’ve learned anything from Bluey, it’s that you can set the mood for a smoochy kiss by creating your own very romance fancy restaurant. Maybe this whole fix-a-fancy-dinner scheme is just my Darling Beloved’s ploy to get a smoochy kiss…
Nah.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
New South Essays 