Tag: fantasy football

Five ways to avoid being trapped in fantasy football conversations

As a chronicler of life in the New South, I am duty-bound to warn you that we have entered a time of year when sports obsession reaches new heights (or depths, depending on your point of view.)

You need to be prepared for the threat of any conversation being derailed by talk of someone’s fantasy football team. With more than 35 million people now playing fantasy sports the threat is real and the effects are devastating.

someecard on fantasy football that says: "My fantasy job is to work with people who don't incessantly talk about fantasy football at work."
If you have ever felt this way, you may be suffering from UFFD.

There you are, minding your own business, talking about something completely neutral like politics or religion, and someone launches into a tirade about losing a fantasy football game because a coach elected to go for the two-point conversion rather than kick the extra point.

What do you do? How do you protect yourself?

I can help.

You see, I am prone to Unwanted Fantasy Football Dialogue (UFFD). A fantasy football player since the early 1990s, I will participate in three leagues this year. I once drafted a team on accident while trying to join a mock draft and ended up keeping the team and playing in the league with a bunch of random guys. I have been guilty of discussing the performance of my fantasy team(s) with people who didn’t care and I have seen the impact.

So, as a public service or maybe penance for all of the fantasy football conversation I have inflicted on people over the years, I am offering the non-fantasy player self-defense techniques.

1.) Change the subject. At the first sign of trouble, you must immediately bridge to a more palatable conversation. “So my starting running back is out for the season now with a torn ACL” can be thwarted by responding with “Speaking of running backs, did you hear that Publix has rutabagas buy one-get one?” See how that works? Very smooth. Seamless transition. In public relations we call that “bridging.”

2.) Talk to the hand. It’s time to pull this tired cliché out of moth balls and deploy it whenever you suspect the next words out of someone’s mouth might be “… I can still make the playoffs in my fantasy league if I score 123 points and …” You don’t even have to actually say “Talk to the hand.” Just put up your hand. It’s like training your pet. Give the person a visual cue that you are not going to listen. And if they persist? Keep raising the hand. Do this three or four times and the person should get the message. If they don’t, you may have to resort to swatting them with a rolled up newspaper or spraying their face with a misting water bottle.

Fantasy football excuses
If you get sucked into UFFD, you will hear some if not all of these.

3.) Avoidance. The worst offenders of UFFD are so immersed in the imaginary world of playing football general manager that they have no idea they are tiresome bores to all. They cannot be rehabilitated. Do not try. If you see them coming, walk the other way. If they are in the elevator, let it pass and get the next one. If they are heading to the bathroom at the same time as you, hold it. Discretion is the better part of valor. Live to fight another day.

4.) Go on the offensive. There are topics that can recoil even the most insensitive UFFD sufferer. My wife is an expert at this strategy. Like Raid sprayed on an intrusive palmetto bug are such conversation starters as “Honey, what do you think of this fabric sample?” and “I want to plant seasonal color” or “Did you hear that Dee Dee’s sister’s cousin is having 14 attendants at her wedding?” It might be helpful to have three or four of these written on a card so you won’t have to worry about memory issues. In particularly serious cases of UFFD, you may have to come up with as many 10 or 12 such topics to repel an attack.

5.) Fight fire with fire. Here is the one piece of wisdom that unlocks the medical mystery that is UFFD: fantasy football players only want to talk about their team. They don’t really care about anyone else’s team or anyone else’s league. It is a narcissistic pursuit. You can fend off all UFFD with this simple strategy: get your own team and talk about it. When someone starts in with “I can’t believe both of my wide receivers have a bye this weekend” you respond with “Yeah, and can you believe this guy tried to trade me Le’Ron McClain for Marshawn Lynch?” And when they counter with “That’s nothing. There was a guy who tried to get me to take Percy Harvin for Brandon Marshall” you say, “I know, right? Why didn’t Arian Foster get any playing time this preseason? I have no idea what I’m going to get out of him this year.” The more you talk about fantasy football not involving his or her team, the more they will become bored and seek to disengage. You only have to deploy this technique a couple of times before the UFFD sufferer will avoid you completely.

So there you have it. This is your survival guide for the next six months of fantasy football. You may get lonely and have no one to talk to, but at least you’ll still have your health. And that’s worth something, right?

Have you ever been subjected to UFFD? Are you a fantasy football widow/widower? What do you love/hate about fantasy football? What tactics have worked for you in avoiding UFFD? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below, and good luck on the  upcoming season… unless you’re in one of my leagues.

New South Bracketology

There are times I pretend to be an expert: any discussion of running, life in the New South, Star Wars and fantasy football.

There are other times when no amount of pretending can cover up glaring ignorance: parenting, relationships, basic plumbing and filling out NCAA tournament brackets.

2012 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament bracket
Here it is, in all its glory: the 2012 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament bracket. After one day, mine is taking on water.

The mania that has swept the country during the NCAA men’s and women’s basketball tournaments (although primarily the men’s) overshadows real news of importance in people’s lives. The never-ending Republican primary plays in the background as gas prices soar, tensions rise in Afghanistan and Iran and severe weather spreads across tornado alley through the Midwest and South.

All that stuff impacts people’s lives, but for a few days, the NCAA tournament distracts us from all that and gives us something else to think about.

NCAA Final Four logo
What teams did you pick for the Final Four? Leave a comment below with your picks and join the madness!

Of course, the Internet is to blame for this. Back in the day, you had to go out and buy an actual newspaper to fill out a bracket. I can’t remember the last time I put pencil (definitely not pen!) to a bracket on newsprint. Maybe 1997? In any case, the ubiquitous bracket online and the obnoxious presence of ESPN have conspired to empower anyone to fill out a March Madness bracket.

The result? More ground lost to women in the battle of the sexes.

That’s right, the bracket is no longer male-only turf. All it takes is for one woman to post a bracket on Pinterest and suddenly, millions of women discover that they, too, can compete. Perhaps their significant others have been hiding this bracket from them in order to preserve the last bastion of competition where men can pretend to have superiority.

The democratization of the bracket now has more women entering – and winning – NCAA tournament pools. Why? Women aren’t bogged down in details like offensive rebounds, road records and defensive styles. Their picks reflect the truly random nature of the NCAA tournament.

Vandy takes down Harvard
The Harvard of the South defeated the actual Harvard in round one of the NCAA men's basketball tournament on Thursday.

Back when I worked in newspapers, it was always the sports writers who did the worst. All of their knowledge only clouded their judgment. The newsroom pool was usually won by a copy editor with a degree in English literature who made her selections on the basis of which school had the best library or most published authors.

I’m just grateful that my wife hasn’t shown any interest. The humiliation of losing to her in an NCAA tournament pool would only add to the list of subjects in which I can no longer debate her with any credibility. That list includes colors, the arrangement of furniture, baby names, etiquette, television and relationships.

This is really the only week the tournament matters. After the field is narrowed to 16 this weekend, the majority of the country’s brackets will be hopelessly mangled, and the tournament will join the other current events as background noise to our lives. Only the real, hardcore fans will stick with this thing to the end on April 2.

Besides, the real fun lies in figuring out a way to avoid work on Thursday and Friday of the opening week to watch the games. Again, the Internet has brought about a huge sea change on how people slack off from work to watch basketball.

Back in the day, you had to sneak away for a three-hour lunch to watch games or somehow get a portable television into your office. Now you can just log on to ESPN.com and let the Gamecast take it from there – not that I would EVER do that.

When the number of games diminishes to three or four a night, and they all appear in prime time, the illicit nature of the tournament will be gone, along with most of our final four picks, and life can return to normal.

So at the risk of being held accountable by my faithful readers, I will reveal my Final Four selections: Kentucky, Missouri, Florida State and North Carolina. I predict North Carolina will beat Kentucky in the championship, 76-69.

Your guess is as good as mine.

Have you filled out your bracket? Who made your final four? Who is your champion? Leave New South Nation your picks in a comment below and join the fun!